Learning to delight in opening up about myself

The Roman philosopher and statesman Seneca once said, "There is no delight in owning anything unshared". Throughout the course of 2013, this line and the truth behind it has floated into my mind often.

At the end of last December, three days shy of a full year ago, I chatted about how instead of goals for the coming year, I was planning to try and live by a set of adjectives instead. As January rolled on however, I began to realize that on top of those adjectives, I wanted to strive toward a certain verb as well: share.

In this case though, I'm not talking so much about actually physically dividing up anything I own, instead the type of sharing that I've been trying to do is to open up about certain areas of my life and who I am with all of you here.

I am the first to admit that I've never been terribly good at sharing in this regard. I know perfectly well that this largely stems from the fact that growing up, there was a lot about my family that I was either told to point blank, or opted to of my own free will, hide from those around me. Secrets, shames, and skeletons aplenty sat like the weight of the world on my young shoulders.

As I grew up, I then hide a lot about the horrible relationship (touched upon in this post) that I was involved with in my early and mid teen years. Very shortly after that period in my life, I became severely chronically ill with a multitude of - by their very nature - private medical conditions (though I have spoken at various times and in various places at length about some of my health issues), which one cannot help but desire to keep under wraps and to themselves as much as possible a lot of the time.

I don't see myself as a victim however of any of these things, and have striven to put either put them behind me or to face them head on and survive as best I can in spite of them. Add to this mix the fact that I am, and have always been, an incredibly shy and private person, and you can see why I've never been accused by anyone of over sharing.

That said, I believe that it can be good for the mind, body and soul to share. There's a fine line between being private and keeping tight lipped about things that 99.9% of the rest of the population would have no qualms talking about.

I was raised in a house where one didn't talk publicly about private things or really even about most anything else that happened to us, where we were often told to never boast or brag or rarely even discuss our accomplishments, and so I grew up keeping things - even wonderful things that I so dearly wanted to share with others - to myself most of the time. Old habits die very hard, and to this day, I still get nervous even just posting a photo of some little treat I bought myself on Instagram, for example. Part of my brain says that I shouldn't, that I must keep every action to myself. This is absurd quite frankly though, and I know it well.

I am not that little girl any more, not by a long shot. I have grown and matured, changed and let ago of lot of the fears that governed my upbringing in the time since then. I will always work at being a more open person, and to that extent have been trying to share more about myself here on my this year (and in the final days of 2012; for example, in the my post about 12 things that I did to make my life better in 2012). This year, for example, you've been here with me as I talked about my years of hair loss, revealed my wig, joined Facebook, hopped on the Instagram bandwagon, shared some of my poetry, and was humbled beyond words by an unexpected gift that helped me to better view my own beauty, as well as a very personal reflection on seeing Calgary again.

{This year, and from now on, I’ll making a conscious effort to reach out and share more about myself with those around me. It’s high time I stopped being afraid of letting the world see who I am, what I love, my thoughts, and my dreams. Image source.}

It (humbly) took courage on my part to talk about all of these things, and I'm truly glad that I was able to muster the amount required to discuss all of these things in a public setting. With each previously unknown (or nearly unknown) side of myself that I've shared with you, I feel like I've grown and also gotten to know many of you better through the experiences you've shared with me in your comments here and various social media sites.

I never set out to be, and no longer have a desire to be, a completely closed book. I know that I'll always be a fairly private person, and that's totally okay, but sometimes it's wonderful, healthy, helpful, and exciting to share, whether we're talking about something major like needing to wear a wig full time or something as seemingly everyday as a new bottle of nail polish that I bought.

I've been writing this blog for over four and a half years now, and in that time I have certainly shared many things about myself, my life, my thoughts and my experiences with all of you, but I want to share more and to feel a greater degree of confidence (in myself) when I do.

The support and encouragement that has come in from all of you when I have posted intimate things here, especially this year, has truly bolstered my confidence and helped me to find a greater sense of inner peace about sharing, and I really want that to continue throughout this year and for the rest of my life.

Our dear old friend Seneca may have been talking more about possessions and wealth when he said what he did all those years ago, but I like to believe that the same sentiment can be extended to life itself. After all, where is the joy in the very life that we live each day if it is not shared, at least in part, with those we love and choice to surround ourselves with?